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Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller
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Pia Mellody creates a framework for identifying codependent thinking, emotions and behaviour and provides an effective approach to recovery. Mellody sets forth five primary adult symptoms of this crippling condition, then traces their origin to emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical and sexual abuses that occur in childhood. Central to Mellody's approach is the concept that the codependent adult's injured inner child needs healing. Recovery from codependence, therefore, involves clearing up the toxic emotions left over from these painful childhood experiences.
- Sales Rank: #7134732 in Books
- Published on: 1989-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Binding: Hardcover
From Publishers Weekly
This book stands out among the current glut of material on codependence because it claims the realm of parenting for its vantage point. The authors believe that codependents must heal themselves in order not to repeat the "less than nurturing" behaviors of their own addicted or emotionally dysfunctional parents. Hence, they couple strategies for recovery with guidelines on what is and is not "normal" in the parent-child relationship. The authors' conclusions will invite controversy; for instance, they suggest that "emotional sexual abuse" of children may lead to homosexuality in adulthood. Nor are they reluctant to generalize: "Although physical and mental illness aren't addictions, their effect on the family is the same." Offsetting the opinionated commentary is great compassion for the helpless, hurt children who live inside adult codependents. Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller are coauthors of Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Co de pend ence ; J. Keith Miller is a freelance writer. Author tour.
Copyright 1989 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
“Mellody is a true pioneer...she offers tried and effective ways to treat codependency. This is a splendid offering.” (John Bradshaw, national director of Codependency TreatmentLife Plus Institute, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You and Bradshaw On: The Family.)
About the Author
Pia Mellody is an internationally renowned lecturer on the childhood origins of emotional dysfunc-tion. Her recovery work-shops have benefited people all over the world and her bestselling books have been translated into many languages. She is a member of the faculty at The Meadows Treatment Center, a residential center for victims of trauma, emotional abuse, and addictions, in Wickenburg, Arizona.
J. Keith Miller, the author of A Hunger for Healing, is a popular speaker and conference leader, and author. Among his best-selling books are The Taste of New Wine and Hope in the Fast Lane. He is also the coauthor of Facing Codependence.
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Amazing insights!
By Goldie
I picked up this book because I was suspicious that I was stuck in a codependent relationship. (Forgive me if I reveal too much personal information in my review). I realized I wasn't as codependent as I thought, having no shame for myself except feeling the sense of worthlessness only when with my partner by how he treated me. I already saw the cycles of up and down we went through. I'm thinking a fight is over after we apologize (and then we can go into kiss and make up time), but the changes didn't follow (and he needed "time" to get over it so no kiss and hugs - just pushing me away), and then the pattern repeated. The book has helped me realize and understand how codependency works, how I was drawn into it by not seeing the reality of a codependent and their mental thoughts/filters. I thought I was operating with a normal healthy person with their own sense of value who just had it in for me, no matter what I did or said to prove otherwise, and that he was simply determined to keep me in relationship hell of his fear of "committment" but didn't want me to leave him! Ah, so I got clearer about both of us. I realized I had to step back and trust myself to choose right for me, and allow/urge him to get healing through CoDA (as I have been doing) and find his higher power. I threw in there "The Work" of Byron Katie, as her method is a simple straight shot to truth and sanity of changing our thinking. Fortunately, my (ex)partner is interested in reading this book when I'm done with it.
I often heard my partner express after a fight or after I expressed how he hurt me with his choice of actions, or 5 yrs and still no ring nor living together (we are both older, REALLY???), that he wished he could disappear, he needs to be alone, he's no good to anyone, etc. What's with the pity party? Only he was really into this - not just a moment. I noticed he's had several failed relationships before me, has no friends to speak of, as well as failed to be a part of my family (who openly welcomed him - including my ex-husband!), and chose to leave me out of important information or fun time. After reading the book I no longer thought he was just a loner, but a man ashamed of himself and had little value in himself and felt defeated by his own guilt, shame and anger. I saw his filters ebb and flow for the moments they fit him and he kept saying he can't figure out how he keeps hurting me. It's how he's always lived - in an unconscienctious realm of codependency totally unaware of how he affects others. But he's right, he's not ready for a healthy relationship with me. I can let him go and move into a better life for myself. But I'm using this book to help me heal from the damaging effects he's left in his wake. For instance, I still can't even THINK about being around him or knowing when he gets that starry-eyed obsession over seeing his daughter, giving her things he's never offered me as a mate, how he's ditched me to cater to her beck and call at anything she wanted - even in the face of when I had a true need, or having her blast me with crazy unrealistic fits while he watched it happen - something my own 4 children have never done to me, nor do I or their father allow - we talked/listened openly. I knew this was not normal and healthy behavior, but most people liked to tell me I was "jealous" (I'm not a jealous person) or that it's just a dad wanting to see his kid (hmmmm, really? look at the dynamics of healthy father/daughter and healthy romantic long term partner closer). So the book helped me understand what I was dealing with was bigger than me, wasn't good for me, and now how to handle/remove myself until/if he heals himself.
Pia gets very specific about explaining things here, as the method in which I can understand them. I'm all about the subtleties of life, thoughts, and possibilities, seeing things most people glaze over. She hits the proverbial nail on the head, making all things come to light with the truth of her experiences that ring of sanity and clarity.
I can't tell you the relief I felt once I saw the depth of codependence through this book, how it affects people we interact with, how it hurts oneself and others, and how to heal in the process of recovery of being a whole healthy person again. How long it takes is up to the individual and their willingness to stay with the process and trust in their access to a higher power through their open mind. Opening the mind is a process, but it's also the answer to your healing. One day at a time. One step at a time.
My prayers are for all the people out there who know something in them isn't feeling good to find their answers through understanding by seeking them out. I would start with Pia's books. She's offering a beautiful gift like no other I've seen before.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
Much better than: "Codependent No More
By Lisa
Much better than: "Codependent No More." This book is about what it is, what it may look like in everyday life, and where it stems from (how to recognize it from past events/cycles. There is a workbook made by Pia Mellody that gets more into how to correct ourselves. This is book is more about recognizing it. I have not tried the workbook yet.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
This book has completely changed my life. I didn't ...
By Ariel R.
This book has completely changed my life. I didn't realize that my "normal" life is actually not normal at all and needed to be addressed. I've already purchased 5 other copies for family and friends. I would stand on a street corner and hand these out for free if I could afford it.
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